Monitor Lizard Fails To Explode

Well, here it is almost October again. Same old same old, election year is here and if you believe the political commercials there’s a polecat running against a weasel for every elected office in the country.

Kinda’ ‘minds me of the fellow who was way ahead of the Guv in the polls. So the Guv’s campaign started the rumor mill going full blast. One of the leading candidate’s campaign workers wired his man “Rumor here your children have not been baptized. Please wire denial, soonest.”

“I regret to inform you rumor is true. I have no children,” was the reply. And telling tales is typical of how poly-ticks is played in the You Ess of Aye.

Truth be told – as long as they are out of office most of the candidates are pretty decent folks. Once they get elected they become typical politicians, and you know how those are. Before the election they work their gums and after the election they gum up the works.

Some of the candidates have really strange opinions, though. Many of them think there’s no wrong time to raise taxes and no limit to the amount of taxes “the rich” can pay, “rich” being defined as anyone with a full belly and a warm place to sleep. And that crowd thinks the best way to put Americans back to work is to export their jobs.

Unfortunately, the people with the weird ideas are in charge of MY political party. I haven’t changed parties, but my party has moved off and left me. Thanks to a combination of “internationalists,” ivory tower Marxists, assorted drunks, roues, overage boy scouts, fellow travelers, fifth columnists, and children of wealth and influence who have wormed their way into control of the party. Some of them are all of the above, by the way.

Not one of that bunch of buncombe artists has ever done anything, but every last one of the herd thinks nobody knows anything about anything except another card carrying Fascist.

‘At’s all right. What goes around comes around – and they will get theirs sooner or later. Probably just as soon as the poor discover their supposed champions are miring them in perpetual poverty.

Jim brought me a church bulletin that pretty well explains the difference between the two parties, though. According to this a woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.

Looking around, she saw a man in a boat, so she let out hot air to lower her balloon. When she was low enough she leaned out of the basket and shouted at the man. “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don’t know where I am.”

The boat man looked at his portable GPS and said “You are about thirty feet above the water which is at an elevation of 2,346 feet above mean sea level. You are at 32 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 72 degrees, 52.09 minutes west longitude.”

She rolled her eyes and shouted “You must be a Republican.”

“I am,” said the man, “But how did you know?”

“Well,” shouted the woman, “I am sure everything you told me is correct but I have no idea what to make of your information and I’m still lost. Frankly, you have not been much help to me.”

The boater smiled and shouted “You must be a Democrat.”

“Yes I am,” the woman replied, “But how did YOU know?”

“Easy,” said the man in the boat, “You don’t know where you are or where you are going. If you knew where you are you have no control over your direction or speed. You have gotten where you are because of a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow it’s become MY fault!”

But anyhow, the weather has been right nice. A little cool in the morning and a little warm, up in the day. And the threat of tropical storms seems to have gone away as well.

But turkey day will soon be here, followed by that great commercial extravaganza called Christmas. I sure wish Santa would make his run December 28 or 29. So we could take advantage of all the after Christmas sales for the stuff under the tree.

Or X-mas as they want to call it. You know, the first time I saw Xmas I misread it. I thought it said Xmis and I started looking around for a girl to kiss.

But the snow’s been flying out west, and up north, early. Earlier than average anyhoo. I dunno if that means we are going to have a hard winter or not, but the Old Farmers Almanac sez we are in for a real whiz-bang sort of winter. So maybe this will be the winter we get to go skiing and use the Gulf for a landing spot. Or maybe not.

Hmm, between political commercials I hear somebody lost his cell phone down a subway car toilet. And ran his arm down the hole to retrieve it from the holding tank, no less!! They had to stop the subway system and cut the john out of the john. Took two hours!

I bet the hamburger joints wondered where their lunch time customers were. Stuck on the subway, waiting on the train to move. And if the marooned passengers knew why they were stuck mighty few would have any appetite left for lunch. Imagine USING that cell phone after it came out of the tank! PEEEYOU!

And while I was watching that story in amazement, I noticed PETA is outraged over the South Carolina Fish and Wildlife people’s latest campaign for kids. It’s called “shoot doves, not drugs,” and PETA is livid.

And a quick look-see at the crime statistics in some Aussie papers turned up some interesting headlines. To wit…

“Department of Health Postgraduate Training in Child Abuse”

“Crash Lorry Driver Braked Two Hard”

“New Move to Stop Baptism of Dead”

And one of my favorite headlines

“Monitor Lizard Fails to Explode in MP’s Toilet”

Now, all we need is explody monitor lizards!

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